Look, it’s not like he expects everything to run flawlessly, but would it be so hard to have an Amtrak-style train that didn’t have 1930’s-style hobos on the roof? Is it not possible to have commuter trains on a separate track from outdated cattle-toting steam engines? This system is as broken as the scale weighing the fat man in the lower left corner of this picture. It’s not that Waldo doesn’t want to use public transit– he’s genuinely tired of walking everywhere. But this place is so hectic and overcrowded it’s enough to make him sign up for a Zipcar account.
click to enlarge and find a waldo who is literally about 10 minutes away from just sucking it up and paying for a cab
Did humans and dinosaurs walk the earth at the same time? Waldo is so tired of this question he can’t even deal with it right now. Dinosaurs walking the earth with humans is about as likely as a group of small stegosauruses playing golf using large femur bones, or a beetlejuice-attired velociraptor sitting astride a larger, similarly black and white striped apatosaurus. It’s all nonsense. Waldo knows that the theory of evolution is “just a theory,” but it’s a wonderful, well thought-out theory. When are we going to get our shit together on science education in this country? Waldo is legitimately worried about us sometimes.
Click to enlarge and find a waldo who sometimes finds himself wanting to hurl copies of “The Origin of Species” at people
Nothing brings joy to Waldo’s heart like employment in small town America which is why he was so thrilled to see so many people with solid, blue collar jobs. A particularly enthusiastic mechanic haphazardly pulls assorted metal pieces out of a car engine while inept firefighters playfully hit each other with the stream of water intended to put out the building that was on fire. A group of mentally handicapped janitors are attacked by birds, offering no explanation for why they are all on the roof. The only unemployed person in the photo appears to be Waldo himself, or perhaps the guy scuba diving in the public fountain. Waldo feels pretty great about this picture and what it means for the economy.
Click to enlarge and find a happy Waldo, invested in job growth and small town USA!
Waldo is really nervous about the fact that obesity in children has more than doubled in the past 30 years, which is why things like this industrial cake factory drive him f#*king insane. Beginning with the fact that it’s poorly built– it features what may be the most needlessly complicated “twisty pipe system” in the history of industrial baking. Half of the workers are just aimlessly wandering around while one gentleman sporting a sizable pair of breasts is bench-pressing cupcakes at the bottom of the photo while still clearly on the clock. Waldo can’t tell if he’s more annoyed with the people who designed the factory or the people who work there, but both make his blood bubble like whatever that white liquid is with the giant flower growing out of it. Also, it’s a bakery and Waldo doesn’t understand why EVERY SINGLE PERSON needs to wear a Pillsbury Dough Boy-style chef’s hat when most of them are obviously being paid 7.25 an hour.
Click to enlarge and see a fed-up Waldo who wants to see a factory redesign and stricter rules for employees.
His father a renowned naturalist, Waldo is angry at anyone bringing wild animals to a preserve for the amusement of tourists. He is disgusted by the inevitable signs of contamination–lions who previously ran free on the savannah waiting in line for a portable toilet. He is furious about elephants angrily soliciting ice cream cones instead of eating whatever it is elephants eat in the wild. He is saddened by bears who used to kill salmon and find honey, now posing sexily for photos. Waldo is more tied in a knot about this than the elephants in the upper left hand corner of the picture.
Click to enlarge and see an angry, furious Waldo who is already on the phone with the Nature Conservancy and the World Wildlife Federation to see if anything can be done about this bull$#!t.
Waldo went to medieval Europe excited to see knights and castles and chivalry and was let down when he discovered that people back then are exactly as awful as people today, only with worse dental hygiene and less money. He tried to get away from Wall Street and this chemical weapons issue in Syria, only to find there were catapults being hurled and slaves being tortured. With the exception of the two horses in the top center who appear to be in love, Waldo found that the past was filled with as much hatred and bitter rivalry as the present.
Click to enlarge and see a saddened, disappointed Waldo.
Look out, banquet hall– Waldo’s always had a love/hate relationship with food which is why, more than anything else, he’s conflicted in this picture. He feels like he’s chronically underweight, can’t build muscle, and is worried he appears weak. He is trying to eat mainly protein, despite the fact that the only meat available in this picture is a shapeless, completely unrecognizable animal with four identically-sized drumsticks and no head. He bypassed the traditional medieval “spaghetti table” and the “banana creme pie” fight table, in order to avoid carbs and refined sugar. He wears horizontal stripes in an effort to disguise what he sees as his “blatant physical inadequacies.”
Click the image to enlarge and find a super self-conscious Waldo.